Fic: Falling Down (CSI:Miami) 2/3

[miss_lucy21]

Chapter 5

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Don't fall away and leave me to myself
Don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

“Hemorrhage (In My Hands)”, Fuel

---

“I’m Calleigh Duquesne, my boyfriend, Tim Speedle was just brought in by ambulance?” she asked the woman at the front desk of the Emergency Department.

“I’m sorry, hon, I can’t release information about patients to anyone but family,” the woman replied, regretfully.

“I am family,” Calleigh protested. The woman opened her mouth to respond, but Calleigh shook her head. “No, no, I know.” It wasn’t the woman’s fault that the hospital had a really narrow definition of the word family. “I’m a cop, how’s that?” she asked, pulling her badge out.

The woman hesitated, then said, “How’s this. I’ll go back and see if he’s here and if he can talk. If he tells me it’s ok for you to talk to the doctor, then I’ll come get you, ok?”

“Thank you,” Calleigh said. If Tim was awake, he was probably wondering where she was. They hadn’t let her come in the ambulance. “Is there a phone I can use?” she asked, glancing at the “No Cell Phones, Please” sign on the wall.

“Sure, honey, right over there. I’ll be right back,” the woman said, waving someone else over to take her place.

“Thank you,” Calleigh said again, walking over to the phone.

She took a deep breath and dialed Horatio’s cell phone. “Caine,” he answered.

“Horatio? It’s me,” she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking.

“Calleigh? What’s wrong?” Horatio asked instantly.

“I’m at the hospital with Tim. He…I don’t know what happened, but he cut his arm somehow and he passed out so I had to call the ambulance because I couldn’t get him up off the floor by myself,” she said.

“Which hospital?”

“University. They won’t tell me anything yet,” she said.

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Horatio said. “Did you call his therapist?”

“No, why?” she asked, confused.

“Calleigh, they’re going to want to slap a psych hold on him once they see his medication history. I’d rather that determination be made by his doctor, not the hospital, don’t you think?” Horatio said.

“Right,” she said faintly. “I’ll call now.”

“Good. Hang in there, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Horatio hung up before she could reply.

She fumbled with her cell phone a moment to get Andy’s number. The receptionist answered “Dr. McCall and Associates.”

“Hi, my name is Calleigh Duquesne, and I’m Tim Speedle’s girlfriend. He’s a patient of Dr. McCall’s?”

“Of course,” the receptionist replied, obviously recognizing Tim’s name. “Is something the matter?”

“We’re at the hospital. Tim cut his arm somehow, and I…well, I don’t know what’s going on, but…”

“Hold on a moment,” the receptionist interrupted her. “Dr. McCall isn’t with a patient now, so let me see if he’s free to talk to you, ok?”

“Thank you,” Calleigh said, relieved.

Andy must have been free because she was on hold for less than a minute. “Calleigh?”

“Andy?” she asked.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I don’t know. He went to work today, and Horatio sent him home immediately, because he’s not been sleeping and that’s part of the deal. He said Tim was upset when he left, and he’d asked him to call when he got home to make sure he was ok, but Tim never called. I happened to be out near the house talking to a witness for a case, and Horatio called and asked me to check on Tim and make sure he was ok. I walked into the kitchen and he was standing there bleeding and then he passed out,” she said, breathlessly.

“You didn’t see him cut himself?” Andy asked.

“No. I don’t think he’d done it very long before I got there, though,” she said. “At a guess.”

“Ok. What hospital?” he asked.

“University,” she said.

“Good, I have privileges there. Let me get over there and see what I can do,” Andy said.

“Thank you,” Calleigh replied, relieved.

“I’ll be there shortly. I’ll find you as soon as I know anything,” Andy promised.

“All right, thanks,” Calleigh said, hanging up.

“Ms. Duquesne?” someone asked.

“Yes?” she said, turning to find a nurse standing there.

“I’m Patti. I’m one of the nurses. Your boyfriend sent me to find you so you can answer some questions,” she said.

“He did?” Calleigh asked, blinking. What kind of questions? she wondered. She certainly didn’t know why he’d cut himself.

“I believe his exact words were ‘I can’t think, go ask my girlfriend, she knows.’” Patti replied.

Calleigh was still just a bit surprised when he called her his girlfriend. She shook it off quickly, though and said, “Um, ok.” She let the nurse lead her into a triage room. “He’s awake, then?”

“Oh, yes. Awake and asking for you. I can’t take you back, though, I’m sorry,” Patti said. “But he’s in pretty good shape.”

“Good,” she said, faintly. “What questions?”

“He said you know his medical history?” Patti asked.

“Oh,” she said, nodding, half-relieved. “Yes. I can answer those questions.”

“Ok, first of all, when’s his birthday?” Patti asked.

“Next week,” she sighed. “June 24th. Um, 1974,” she said, doing the subtraction quickly. “He couldn’t tell you that?”

“He wouldn’t answer anything, just said he wanted you,” Patti said.

“He doesn’t do well in hospitals,” Calleigh said.

“We’ll keep it in mind,” Patti said. “Is he allergic to anything?”

Calleigh shook her head, “No. No allergies.”

“Is he on any medications?” The question she’d half dreaded, even though she knew it was important.

“Yeah. Amoxicillin, Nexium, Lexapro, Paxil and Ativan, when he needs it. He has panic attacks,” she said, hoping that he wasn’t having one right at the moment.

“Has he been sick?” Patti asked.

“Hm?” Calleigh asked, frowning.

“The Amoxicillin,” Patti asked.

“Oh, right. No, he hasn’t. He had surgery to repair an open jaw fracture and had his spleen removed in September. Um, the 21st, I think. Last year. His job is in a high risk category for infection, so he’s on the antibiotic therapy indefinitely,” she explained.

“What does he do?” Patti asked.

“Crime Scene Investigator,” Calleigh replied. “We see a lot of dead bodies and such.”

“Right,” Patti said, eyes widening. “The antidepressants, how long has he been on them?”

Calleigh closed her eyes and thought. It had taken a little while to get all the dosages correct and there’d been some medication switches along the way. “The Ativan since September. The Paxil since October, I think, and I think the Lexapro was in November,” she said, finally.

“They’re not new, though,” Patti asked.

“No, not new.”

“He went on them after the surgery?” Patti asked.

Calleigh nodded. “He’s got post traumatic stress syndrome due to the assault that caused the injuries, yes. He was assaulted on the job, and two other officers were killed.”

“Oh!” Patti said. “I think I remember reading about that.”

“Right,” Calleigh said, grimly. “It was a rough winter.”

“I can imagine. Have there been any changes in his medications, recently? Cutting the dosages or anything?”

Calleigh sighed. “He’d been on Ambien. He has severe insomnia. His doctor took him off of it this week. He hasn’t slept since Sunday, at least not more than a couple of hours.”

“I see,” Patti said, writing something down.

“His doctor is on his way over,” Calleigh added.

“Good,” Patti said. “That will help. Has he ever made any sort of indication towards self-harm before?”

Calleigh paused. Well, not sleeping and not eating and overworking are somewhat self-destructive, right? But he’s never actually done anything to hurt himself before, that I know of… “Not that I know of,” she said, slowly. “I mean, it could have just been an accident?”

“Perhaps,” Patti said, unconvincingly. “That’s all I needed to know, though. Thank you.”

“I can’t come back?” Calleigh asked, knowing the answer was no, but wanting to ask anyway.

“I’m sorry, no. Maybe after he gets stitched up,” Patti offered.

“Ok,” Calleigh said.

“We’ll come tell you if anything happens,” Patti assured her. “He gave us permission to tell you and anyone with you what’s going on.”

“Ok, good,” she said. “I guess I’ll just be out here, then.”

“We’ll let you know,” Patti said, standing up and leading her out to the waiting room. Horatio wasn’t there yet, she saw. She sat down and closed her eyes. How did we get here, Tim? How did this happen? How much more can we take? she wondered. They were questions without answers, and she knew it. But she wondered anyway.

---

Chapter 6

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All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

“Unwell,” matchbox twenty

---

The nurse was still sitting in the chair. Things were hazy, but he was awake again. He’d been drifting in and out, and not sure what was going on.

“Is Calleigh here?” he asked. He had the feeling he’d been asking, and should know the answer, but he wasn’t sure.

“She’s in the waiting room. She’s fine,” the nurse replied. He couldn’t remember her name.

“Oh,” he said. He looked down at the IV in his hand. “What’s in there?” he asked, nodding towards bag hanging from the pole.

“Just saline and electrolytes. You were dehydrated,” she explained.

“Oh,” he replied again. He listened to the noise outside of the room. “It’s pretty busy in here,” he commented.

“A little, yes,” the nurse said, nodding.

“And you’re with me,” he said, wondering at that. It would seem that she would have better things to do.

“I’m here with you,’ she replied, smiling a little. “It’s all right.”

He looked down at his arm. The cut was covered by a bandage- it hadn’t been stitched up yet. It didn’t hurt, exactly. But he was kind of not entirely coherent, so it was entirely possible it did hurt, and he just didn’t know it. He wasn’t sure he liked the disconnected way he was feeling. Somehow it was different from just being tired.

There was a knock at the door, and Andy poked his head into the room. “Hi, I’m Dr. McCall. Tim’s one of my patients. Could I have a moment with him, please?”

“Certainly,” the nurse said, standing up. “If you need anything, the call button is right there,” she told Tim, pointing out the button.

“Thanks,” Andy said, coming in and taking the chair the nurse vacated. He waited for her to leave and close the door before saying, “So. Mind telling me what happened?”

Tim frowned. “I don’t know, exactly.”

“Try that again,” Andy said, raising his eyebrows. “You went to work this morning. What happened then?”

“H sent me home,” Tim said, his eyes narrowing as he tried to remember. “I got angry. I was just really, I don’t know, frustrated.”

“So you got angry and went home. And what were you thinking when you got there?” Andy said.

“Just that I wanted to pound something. I don’t know.” He shook his head. It all seemed very distant and vague.

“How’d you cut yourself?” Andy asked.

Tim shook his head again. “I didn’t know I was doing it.”

“What were you doing with the knife in the first place?” Andy raised an eyebrow at him.

“Making mashed potatoes,” Tim replied.

Andy closed his eyes and shook his head. “Why were you…no, never mind.”

“Calleigh gets the same look on her face,” Tim remarked, half-fascinated.

Andy laughed. “Oh, I’m sure she does.”

“Where is she?” he asked.

“In the waiting room,” Andy said.

“Can I see her?” he asked.

“Maybe in a minute,” Andy said. “Tell me more about the knife.”

“What do you want to know?” Tim asked. “It’s a knife.” He was starting to wake up a bit, somehow. And he really didn’t understand why everyone was asking so many questions. He was angry. He tried to make mashed potatoes. The knife must have slipped. He didn’t know how it had happened, just that it did happen.

“Did you intend to use it to cut yourself?” Andy asked.

Realization dawned suddenly. “Oh…oh!” he said, eyes widening. “You think…I…no, no, I didn’t mean to do it.”

“But you don’t know how it happened?” Andy asked.

“The knife must have slipped,” he said, shaking his head.

Andy studied him for a long moment. “All right,” he said finally. “Can I see the cut?”

Tim shrugged and held his arm out. Andy gently peeled back the bandage. “Looks like it hurt.”

“Not really,” Tim said.

“Ok,” Andy said, putting the bandage back to rights. “How do you feel now? Are you still angry?”

“No. Tired. Scared, a bit,” he said, looking back at the cut on his arm.

“Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?” Andy asked.

“No,” he said. “Calleigh’s going to kill me.”

“You scared her, that’s for sure,” Andy said. “You scared me, too. And probably everyone else.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he said, contritely. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Andy said. “I believe you didn’t intend to do this. But it doesn’t look very good, you understand.”

“Yes,” he said.

“All right. Do you feel safe about going home?” Andy asked.

“I think so,” he said. “I don’t want to stay here.”

“Ok,” Andy said. “I think I can get you out of here. But someone’s going to be with you at all times. And you’re seeing me every day for the next week. I think we’re putting you back on the Ambien, too.”

“Right,” Tim said.

“And I’m sorry, too,” Andy said.

“What for?” Tim asked.

“I should have told you to go ahead and take the meds last night, instead of saying you should try and tough it out one more night. You tried to tell me you were in trouble and I didn’t hear you,” Andy explained.

“I didn’t know this was going to happen,” Tim said. “How could you have known if I didn’t know?”

“All right,” Andy said. “But it’s my job to know.”

Tim shrugged. “It’s ok.”

“I am going to go talk to Calleigh. I’ll be back in a little while,” Andy said.

“Can you get her back here?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know. I’ll see,” Andy said.

“Please?” he asked.

“I’ll see,” Andy said. “I’ll be back in awhile. Behave yourself.”

“Ok,” Tim said.

The nurse was back within thirty seconds. He understood why, now. He dimly remembered telling Calleigh a long time ago that if he was going to kill himself, he’d have done it by now. Maybe he’d been wrong. That was a scary thought.

“Do you think you can walk down the hall to the suture room?” the nurse asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up carefully. He was dizzy, a bit, but not so much that he couldn’t walk. He’d felt worse before.

“Ok,” she said, cheerfully. “Carefully, now.”

He sat quietly, staring at the wall, while the resident stitched up his arm. He didn’t want to watch.

“All right,” Andy said, coming into the room as the resident finished up. “I’m getting you out of here. I think what you need more than anything is a good amount of sleep and I think you’ll get that better at home. Let’s get you cleaned up and ready to go.”

“Ok,” Tim said, following him unsteadily back to the room he’d been in. “Where’s my shirt?” he asked, frowning.

“It’s in here,” the nurse said, handing him a bag. “I think it’s probably a lost cause. Here, you can just wear this,” she said, handing him a scrub top. He shrugged into it while Andy signed some papers.

“Sign here,” Andy said, handing him the clipboard.

He glanced at the paper and scrawled his signature at the bottom. “Aren’t there instructions?” he asked, blinking.

“I gave them to Calleigh,” Andy said.

“Oh,” he said. That was probably just as well, because he probably wouldn’t remember them anyway. “Ok, then.”

“Ready?” Andy asked.

“Sure,” he said.

They walked out into the waiting room, where Tim was instantly plastered with a giant hug from Calleigh. “Oh my God, oh my God,” she whispered over and over again.

He put his arms around her. “Shh,” he whispered, leaning his cheek on the top of her head. He couldn’t tell if she was shivering or if he was shaking. Maybe they both were.

“Calleigh, honey, you’ve got to let him go if we’re going to get out of here,” Alexx’s voice said gently.

She pulled away and looked up at him, eyes full of terror. “Ok?” she asked.

“I think so,” he said, his stomach clenching at the thought that he was the reason for her fear.

“Ok,” she said softly. “I need to go back to work and get my things and I need to go to the drugstore and get some peroxide and your meds filled. Alexx will take you home, ok?”

He blinked at her. “Ok,” he said, uncertainly.

“All right, then. I’ll see you in a little while,” she said, letting him go. He watched her walk out with Horatio and frowned.

“Let’s get you home, baby,” Alexx said, gently, touching his arm.

“Right. Ok,” he said, letting her lead him out of the hospital. There’s consequences to actions, Timothy, he thought. And some of them you might not like.

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Chapter 7

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Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am

“Strong Enough”, Sheryl Crow

---

“How’s he doing?” Calleigh asked Alexx when she got home.

“I don’t think he’s asleep yet,” Alexx said. “He wasn’t interested in eating.”

“No, I don’t imagine so,” Calleigh said.

“You’re still going over to Horatio’s tonight?” she asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “I know I said I wasn’t going to leave him alone with this, but…”

“I think it’s a good idea, honey,” Alexx said. “You need some sleep too. Let me worry about him tonight.”

“I just…I don’t know what to think anymore,” she said in a small voice.

“I know,” Alexx said. “It will all work out. I’m sure of it. I think he’s just as scared as you are now.”

“God. I don’t want that, either,” she sighed.

“Go tell him where you’re going,” Alexx said.

“He’s going to be upset, I think,” she said.

“I think he’ll understand,” Alexx said. “Tim certainly understands needing time alone to think.”

“True.” She closed her eyes. “All right.”

She walked down the hall to the bedroom. Tim was still awake, fighting sleep. “Hey,” she said, gently, sitting down on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Not so great,” he admitted, blinking hard to keep his eyes from shutting.

“Were you trying to wait up for me?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Oh, sweetie,” she whispered, her resolve nearly escaping. She didn’t say anything for a long moment. “I have something to tell you,” she said, finally.

“Mmm?” he asked, his face creasing into a sleepy frown.

“I’m going to go stay with Horatio tonight,” she said, simply. “I’ll be back in the morning, but…well, I…I don’t know. I just…need to not be here tonight.”

“Oh,” he said, slowly. He sucked on his bottom lip a moment. “Ok,” he said, finally.

“I’ll be back in the morning,” she repeated. “I promise. It’s just I need some sleep too. And I think I’d be too worried and, well, too scared to get it if I stayed here. So, Alexx is going to stay with you tonight.”

“Ok,” he said again.

“I love you,” she said, uncertainly.

“I love you, too,” he said.

“It’s not that…” she said. “Well.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry, too.” She reached out and kissed his forehead. “Sleep, ok? Don’t fight. I’ll be here in the morning, probably even before you wake up, ok?”

“Ok,” he said, eyes drooping.

“Good night, honey.”

“Night,” he mumbled, before dropping off completely. She sat and made sure he was well and truly out before getting up and leaving the room.

A little while later, she knocked on the door of Horatio’s condo, feeling thoroughly worthless. “Hi,” she said, despondently when he answered the door.

“Hey,” Horatio said, gently. “Come on in.”

“Thanks for letting me stay over,” she said.

“It’s no trouble at all,” he said, leading her down a hallway. “Here’s the guest room. The bathroom is across the hall if you want to get cleaned up or anything.”

“Would you mind horribly if I took a shower?” she asked.

“Of course not. Go right ahead. I’m going to see what I can do about some dinner, ok?” he asked.

“Fine. I won’t be long,” she said. He nodded and went back down the hallway. She found her shower things and pajamas in her bag and went into the bathroom.

The hot water felt ridiculously good, considering it was nearly 90 degrees outside. She stood numbly under the spray, eyes closed, trying to chase away the awful images from the kitchen. It was worse than the warehouse; she’d never seen the actual warehouse, just photographs from the scene. It had all been imagination. But this time it was real. It was the kitchen she sat in every day.

Suddenly, she was sobbing. She cried so hard, she wound up crouched down on the floor of the shower. How could he do this to us? I can’t lose him, I don’t know what I’d do. Why the hell do I love him so much if he could do something like that, she thought.

The water was cold when she finally straightened up. She turned it off and got out of the shower. Her eyes were red and her face was blotchy from crying, but there was no help for it. She sighed and went to join Horatio in the kitchen.

“I called for pizza,” Horatio said, when she came in. “I haven’t been to the store this week, so there’s not much.”

“No, pizza is fine,” she said, vaguely, sitting down across from him.

“Are you all right?” Horatio asked.

“I…maybe, no?” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Horatio said. “Maybe I shouldn’t have sent him home.”

“No, you should have. He shouldn’t have gone to work. I didn’t even know he was going to,” she said.

“He did it on purpose, didn’t he?” Horatio asked, uncomfortably.

Calleigh closed her eyes. “It’s not really clear. Andy said it was deliberate, but not intentional, if that makes any sort of sense whatsoever.”

“He did it on purpose, but he didn’t mean to?” Horatio blinked.

“Something like that. I mean, it’s clear that the knife didn’t just slip, although that’s what Tim says happened. He had to have done it himself. But he says he didn’t intend to hurt himself. Andy believes him,” Calleigh replied.

“What do you think?” Horatio asked.

“I…don’t know. It’s true that he’s not ever really shown any propensity for self-mutilation before. Tim’s idea of self-destructive generally involves not eating and driving around town trying not to crash into anything, but probably secretly hoping he will. Or picking fights with Eric, and half hoping Eric would pound him. Obviously that one’s not an option anymore, but he could have gotten on his bike. I’m glad he didn’t, but not if this was the result, I think,” she said, slowly.

“Right,” Horatio said, grimly.

“Andy did say, however, that it was not a suicidal action, at all. He’s pretty certain Tim wasn’t trying for that, whatever else he was doing. Tim knows plenty well enough about how things work that he could have done that very easily, but he didn’t,” she said.

“That’s a relief,” Horatio said.

“It is,” she agreed. “Now if we could figure out what he was thinking in the first place…actually, I don’t think we will. I will be surprised if he can actually tell us anything other than he already has. This is going to be one of those things he can’t remember, I think,” she sighed. “He hasn’t been…well, sad, I guess, though. I don’t understand what happened, at all. He’s been doing really, really well.”

“Someone told me once that depression isn’t sadness, it’s anger turned inward,” Horatio suggested. “He was certainly angry.”

“Hmm,” Calleigh said. “That’s not exactly comforting. But it makes more sense, I suppose.”

“His doctor is putting him back on the sleeping pills?” Horatio asked.

“Yeah. He thinks the insomnia is obviously a bigger problem than the medication,” Calleigh sighed.

“Even though they’re addicting?” Horatio asked.

“There’s a new one that came out recently that’s supposed to be able to be used for long term use,” she said. “But you know, I don’t care if they’re addicting if it means I never have to walk into a room and find Tim covered in blood again.”

“This is a good point,” Horatio agreed.

“Yes,” she said.

The pizza came and she ate mechanically. It was chain pizza, which she hadn’t had since moving in with Tim. He hated pizza chains. Said the pizza was always cardboard. Another legacy of his experiences in New York. She couldn’t have told the difference between the two right now.

“What are you thinking?” Horatio asked.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “On one hand, I feel like I’m bad person for leaving tonight. On the other hand, I’m not sure I could have stayed.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person. Was Tim upset?” Horatio asked.

“I don’t think he could be upset about anything right now if he wanted to,” Calleigh said. “I think they gave him extra Ativan at the hospital. Plus, he’s so exhausted, I don’t think he’s got any capacity to feel much right now. But no, I don’t think he was pleased I left.”

“I think he probably understands, though,” Horatio said.

“I know. I think that might be worse,” she sighed. “Anyway.”

“I think you did the right thing. You need some rest. He needs some rest,” Horatio said.

“That’s what Alexx said,” she replied.

“Well, Alexx is very rarely wrong,” Horatio said, with a raised eyebrow.

“I know.” She shook her head. “I’m tired and not thinking straight.”

“Then go on to bed,” Horatio said. “You certainly could use an early night, I think.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Horatio replied, with a small smile. “Would you like me to wake you when I go in the morning?”

“Please,” she said. “I promised Tim I’d be back in the morning. He’ll probably still be asleep- at least I hope he’ll be- but I want to keep the promise.”

“Good. I will see you in the morning, then,” he said.

“See you,” she sighed as she got up from the table.

She’d half expected to toss and turn in the unfamiliar bed, but she was out like a light almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. An early night, apparently, had been just what she needed.