Fic: Falling Down (CSI:Miami) 3/3

[miss_lucy21]

Chapter 8

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When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
“Winter”, Tori Amos

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Tim rubbed absently at the bandage on his arm as he sat next to Calleigh at the pharmacy. She had, in fact, been home before he woke up, for which he was glad. But she’d been oddly quiet the whole day. He didn’t know what to say to her, and she didn’t seem to want to say much to him. He sighed.

“Tired?” she asked, glancing at him.

“Yeah,” he said.

“What else did Andy say other than he’s switching your sleeping meds?” she asked.

“Something about coming up with a schedule so I don’t have a whole lot of extra time on my hands and so I kind of get more into a routine so eventually maybe we can get me off the sleeping pills. He seems to think the not sleeping thing is what triggers a lot of the worst stuff, so that needs to not happen,” he said.

“Good,” she said.

The pharmacist waved at him to tell him his prescription was ready. He sighed and levered himself up from the chair to go pay for it. “Ready?” he asked, turning back to Calleigh. She nodded and headed towards the front of the store.

They were quiet in the car again. She was driving. He wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. “I’m sorry,” he said, finally. It was the only thing he knew to say.

“I know,” she sighed. The way she said it implied that of course he was sorry, but it really wasn’t good enough. But what was good enough?

“Look, Calleigh,” he said, slowly, “you need to tell me what you’re thinking. I can’t just figure it out. I barely know what I’m thinking or feeling at any given moment. I’m really not capable of figuring you out too. I know you’re upset with me. But I don’t know how to fix it unless you tell me what it is you need!”

She blinked. “I don’t expect you to figure out what I’m feeling,” she said.

“But you are,” he said. “You’re upset, I got that. And I kind of get why, but there’s something else wrong and I just don’t know what.”

“Well, of course I’m upset, Tim. You cut the hell out of your arm. In the middle of the kitchen. On purpose. So, yeah, I’m not exactly happy about that,” she said. They were home by that point, sitting in the car in the carport.

“I didn’t know it was happening,” he protested.

“So how do you know it won’t happen again?” she asked. “How can I trust you to know it’s not going to happen again? Because now I’ve got a picture in my head of you covered in blood in the kitchen and I know you don’t remember that, but I have to now,” she said, getting a bit more heated.

“I just spent an hour coming up with a plan with Andy so it won’t happen again,” he said.

“Plans fall through, Tim,” she said, simply.

“Then I’ll come up with a backup plan. Is that what you want?” he asked.

“It’s not that simple,” she said.

“Calleigh, I didn’t know it was going to happen in the first place. I can’t promise you it won’t happen again. I can promise to do my best, but I’m getting the idea that my best isn’t good enough for you,” he said.

“It’s not that, Tim,” she said, with a sigh. “It’s…oh, I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. She got out of the car and headed for the house.

He followed her. They went in the house and she sat down on the couch. He stood in the doorway and looked at her. She sat with her arms folded tightly around her, and just looked at him. “Do you want to walk away?” he asked. “Leave now?”

“What?” she asked, a startled expression crossing her face. “Don’t be silly.” But the way she said it didn’t sound like he was being silly at all.

“I’m not. I’m saying, if this is going to make it so you can’t be happy, then maybe we ought to leave it go here,” he said, softly. “I don’t…I don’t want you staying just because you’re scared of what might happen if you go. I’ll be ok. I’ll be upset, but I’ll be ok.”

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked, half incredulously.

“No,” he said simply. “I really don’t. But I want you to be happy.”

“Tim…” she said, but stopped. “I don’t know. I can’t think,” she said. “I mean, part of me is wondering how in the world I can trust you anymore.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” he said, finding that he had to try very hard not to snap the words at her. This was frustrating. He could feel his irritation rising. He stopped short on what he was about to say, and scrubbed a hand over his face. When he opened his eyes, he saw that she was looking at him with a mixture of irritation, fear, and worry. “Ok,” he said, taking a deep breath. “All right. Look, I’m still pretty damn tired. You’re probably also tired. I think we’re both a bit more than a little stressed out. I don’t think this conversation is going to help either of us right now. Let’s do this. I’ll call Alexx and see if I can stay over there tonight. You can stay here and think things through, or not, whatever you want.”

“Tim, it’s your house, if anyone’s going to go…” she started.

“Calleigh. You live here too,” he said, gently. “You left last night. You stay here tonight.”

That brought her up short. “Ok,” she said, softly.

“All right, then,” he said. He turned around and went into the kitchen and grabbed the phone from the counter to dial Alexx’s number. As the phone rang in his ear, he looked at the kitchen. It had been cleaned up, probably by Alexx. He really had no memory of any of it- he couldn’t even remember where he’d been standing, or which knife it had been. Calleigh did, though.

“Hello?” Alexx answered the phone.

“Hey, Alexx?” he said.

“Hi, baby. What’s up?” she asked.

“Can I stay over at your place tonight?” he asked.

“Well, of course. Is everything ok?” she asked.

“Sort of,” he said. “I mean…well, I don’t know, exactly. Calleigh kind of needs to think,” he explained.

“Ah,” Alexx said. “You’re certainly welcome to come over, then. Peter and the kids are out of town at his parents’, so it’s just me. Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, Andy said I don’t have to be watched anymore. I’ll come over myself,” he said.

“All right, sweetie. Come on whenever,” she said. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Thanks, Alexx. I’ll be there in a little while,” he said, hanging up. He went into the bedroom to get his pajamas, then back to the kitchen to get his medication together. Calleigh was still in the living room. He poked his head into the room and said. “I’m going to go. I’ll be back in the morning. Unless you call and tell me otherwise,” he said.

“Ok,” she said, softly, not quite looking at him.

“I love you,” he said, half helplessly.

“I love you, too,” she said, still not looking at him. “It’s not…”

“I know,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Ok,” she said, closing her eyes. He looked at her for a moment more, then went out the back door.

Alexx was sitting on her porch swing when he arrived. “Hello, sugar,” she said, as he got out of the car.

“Hi,” he sighed. He came and sat next to her.

“Did you and Calleigh have a fight?” she asked.

“Not exactly. It probably would have been if I hadn’t left, though. I didn’t want that,” he said. “She’s upset with me.”

“She’s scared,” Alexx said.

“Well, so am I,” he said. “She said she didn’t know if she could trust me not to do this again.”

“Ah,” Alexx said. She was quiet for a long moment.

“I just want her to tell me what she wants me to do,” he said. “I mean, I’ll do it. I just need to know what it is.”

“I know,” Alexx said. “She loves you, honey. She’s just worn out right now. It’ll work out.”

“I hope so,” he said. “I never wanted this before. It’s different than it was with Bridget.”

“It’s hard for you,” Alexx said.

“But I think it’s ok,” he said. “I’d miss her if she left.”

“Was she talking about leaving?” Alexx asked, frowning.

“No. I asked if she wanted to. I don’t want her to stay because she’s afraid of what would happen to me if she left. I want her to stay because she wants to,” he said.

“Ah,” Alexx said. “Well, love, I don’t know what to tell you, other than it’ll be ok.”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Have you had dinner?” she asked.

“No,” he said.

“Well, let’s see what we can find. A little food, some more sleep, and you’ll be much better,” Alexx said, getting up and walking towards the door.

“Ok,” he shrugged, following her. He hoped Alexx was right. But he wouldn’t feel certain of it until he saw Calleigh in the morning. He had a feeling that would tell him all he needed to know.

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Chapter 9

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But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild.

“Call and Answer”, Barenaked Ladies

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Calleigh heard the back door close as Tim left. She wanted to call after him, but couldn’t bring herself to move. She really did not know what she wanted anymore. Part of her wanted to say, “ok, it happened, let’s move on,” but part of her was completely scared to be a part of this anymore.

She sighed and stood up to wander around the house. She was so used to thinking of it as Tim’s house that he’d surprised her when he reminded her that she lived there too. All spring he’d been trying to get her to talk about how she wanted to set up this and that around the house. It wasn’t a very big house, and while Tim didn’t have a lot of random stuff, he did have a gigantic book collection that had taken over the office and a good part of the living room. There just wasn’t a whole lot of space in those two rooms for her things. She hadn’t minded, really, and she’d kept putting off making a decision of where she wanted some of her things set up. They’d been so busy, her with work and him with work and school. Now she wondered if in the back of her mind if she’d been putting off the decisions because she was half afraid something like this would happen and she’d be faced with making a decision to stay or go. Because that was what it boiled down to- did she want to move on with Tim, or did she want to leave him behind and go start over on her own. Both choices made her stomach hurt right now.

The kitchen drew her in, and she stood in the doorway and looked at it. Alexx had cleaned it up before she’d even gotten home yesterday; Calleigh knew that was part of why Alexx had suggested that she go to the drug store for peroxide and pain meds for Tim. But she could still see where he’d stood and where the blood had pooled on the floor. She shook her head sharply and made herself walk in to get something to eat from the fridge. She wasn’t hungry, but it was dinnertime. Crackers and cheese and an apple were good enough.

She took the food back into the living room and turned on the television. The movie they’d tried to watch the other night was still in the DVD player. It would do well enough while she ate.

The phone rang as the movie was finishing up. She answered, unsure if she hoped it was Tim or not. “Hello?”

“Calleigh? How are you?” It was her mother. She didn’t want to talk to her mother.

“I’m…” she started to answer, but found herself in tears.

“Calleigh? What’s wrong?” her mother asked. “Are you and Tim fighting or something?”

“I don’t know,” she wailed. “I can’t tell if we were fighting or not.”

“Honey, I’m confused,” her mom said.

“Me too,” she admitted. She caught her breath and explained the whole situation to her mom, telling her about Tim’s exhaustion and cutting himself and her uncertainty. “So now, I don’t know if I can trust him. Who’s to say he won’t do it again? Who’s to say it won’t be worse next time?”

“Oh, honey,” her mother sighed.

“I don’t know what to do,” Calleigh said.

“Well, honey, you’ve got two choices. You can leave and be unhappy, or you can trust that he’s going to be all right.”

“How do you trust someone who does these sorts of things?” Calleigh asked.

“You just close your eyes and take the leap,” her mother said.

Calleigh thought for a moment. “Do you trust Daddy?” she asked.

“I do,” her mother said. “I trust that he’ll always come home eventually.”

“But…” Calleigh said, trailing off.

“Honey, your daddy has hurt me, that’s true. And he’s hurt you, that’s true too. And I think part of your problem here is that you’re worried that if you stay with Tim it’ll wind up being like your daddy and me. But honey, Tim’s not your daddy. He’s getting help, right?” her mom asked.

“Yes,” Calleigh agreed.

“Well, right there is a big difference,” her mom said. “Calleigh, is this boy your ‘in sickness and in health’ guy?”

“Oh, no, Mom, it’s way too early for that sort of thing,” Calleigh said, shaking her head.

“Calleigh Marie,” her mother said, in that “don’t you lie to me” tone that all mothers possess.

“Ok, yes,” Calleigh admitted. “I think so.”

“Then what are you afraid of?” her mother said. “Listen, honey, when it comes to these kinds of things with the people you love, you’ve got to love them and trust that they can take care of themselves. You’ve been trying to take care of Tim for so long that I think that’s what’s got you in knots. The boy can take care of himself. He seems like a very capable young man.”

“Mom, Tim’s really not any good at…wait, how would you know?” she asked, confused.

“I’ve had several conversations with Tim, Calleigh,” her mother replied.

“You have?” Calleigh asked, incredulously.

“You’re not always home when I call, honey. And you really didn’t think I wasn’t going to try and get to know the man my only daughter is living with, now, did you? I think Tim’s a very nice person, even if he is a Yankee,” her mother replied.

“Huh,” Calleigh said. “He never says anything more than that you called.”

“He’s not that talkative, is he?” her mother asked.

“Not entirely, no,” Calleigh had to admit. “Ok, fine, you’ve talked to Tim.”

“Yes, I have,” her mother said.

“And you don’t think I’m making a mistake if I stay?” she asked.

“I don’t think so, no, but it’s not for me to say,” her mother pointed out. “Honey, if you can love him, then stay. If you can’t, then go.”

“Well, thanks, Mom, you’ve been a load of help,” Calleigh said sarcastically.

“Sarcasm is unbecoming of a lady,” her mother said primly.

“Yes, yes, I know,” she sighed. “All right.”

“Are you still coming down at the end of July?” her mother asked.

“Yes, I’m still coming down,” Calleigh said. “I bought the plane tickets last week. I’ll send you the flight info.”

“Good. Are you bringing Tim with you?” her mother asked. “If you decide to stay, that is.”

Calleigh sighed. “No. His brother is going to school down here this fall, and that’s the weekend he’s moving in, so Tim’s family will be here.”

“Wow. That early?” her mother asked.

“Matt’s going to be on the swim team, and they’ve got orientation or training or something like that starting the first week of August, I guess,” Calleigh explained.

“Ah,” her mother said. “Well, I’ll be sorry to miss him.”

“Yeah,” Calleigh said.

“Ok, honey, I’ll let you go. You think about what I said, now, you hear?” her mother said.

“I will,” she replied. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Call me and let me know how it all turns out.”

“Ok, Mom. Talk to you later,” Calleigh said. “Love you.”

“Love you too, honey. Bye, now,” her mother said, before hanging up the phone.

Calleigh followed suit and sighed heavily. Now what? she thought. “Well, what do you think?” she asked the cat who was trying to climb up onto the couch.

Toast meowed at her and she sighed, lifting him up into her lap. “Right.” She stared off into the distance as she pet the cat.

Time passed without her being entirely aware of it. She was lost in thought. Either option seemed to lead to someone being hurt, and she couldn’t decide which was the right one.

At some point, when it was early morning, she heard a car pull into the driveway. She blinked as she realized she’d stayed up all night thinking. The front door opened slowly and a groggy seeming Tim walked into the house. He pulled up short as he saw her sitting on the couch.

“Hi,” she said, softly.

“I didn’t want to miss you,” he said. “If you were going to work, I mean.”

“Ah,” she said. “Come here.”

He walked over to the couch and sat down next to her. “Are you all right?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said.

“Ok,” he said, not seeming to know what to say. She sighed.

“I was scared,” she said. “I was scared I’d lose you so I thought maybe I should go so if I had to lose you, at least it was under circumstances I could control.”

“I see,” he said, slowly.

“But that’s…not right, either. I don’t know really what the right answer is,” she said.

“Does there have to be a right answer?” he asked. “Can’t there just be, I don’t know, something to start with and go from there?”

She thought for a minute. “I don’t know.”

“We can work on things, you know. I’m getting really good at working on things,” he said, sounding a bit hopeful.

She laughed a little. “Yes, you are.” She was quiet again. “My mom said I had to just trust you to take care of yourself. That I can love you, but I shouldn’t try to take care of you anymore”

“I can just imagine what you said to that,” he said, wryly.

“I was more surprised that you two have been talking to really say anything,” she said, with a raised eyebrow.

“You talk to my mom at least once a week,” he replied, with an eyebrow raise of his own.

“True,” she said. “Anyway, I think she’s right. I’ve been trying to take care of you for so long that I get overwhelmed. And when this happened, all I could think was, oh, no, I can’t do this anymore.”

“That’s understandable,” he said. “I really can take care of myself. And if I can’t, and if you can’t, there’s other people who can, you know.”

“I know. I keep forgetting that,” she said.

“There’s not so many people who can love me, though,” he pointed out.

“I think you’re right. There’s not many people who can love you like I do,” she admitted.

“So let’s do that,” he said. “Because I love you and I don’t want you to go.”

“I love you too, and I don’t think I want to go, either,” she said.

“So we start with that. That’s good enough for a start, isn’t it?” he asked. She could see the anxiety and hope in his face. It made her feel better about the decision- he really did want her to stay. It wasn’t just her.

“I think that’s good enough, yes,” she said, reaching out and taking his hand.

“Good,” he said, relieved. He smiled tentatively at her, and squeezed her hand.

She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. He turned and kissed the top of her head. “I’m tired.”

“Me too,” he said. She smiled and turned to lean up to kiss him. “Do you have to go to work?” he asked.

“Nope,” she said, in between kisses. “I might go in and get caught up on some stuff later, but I want a nap first.”

“A nap,” he said, kissing her again. “Is that a suggestion?”

“Yup,” she said, standing up and drawing him to his feet. He hugged her tightly. She left her arm around his waist as they headed for the bedroom. Good enough is a good place to start, she thought. We don’t have to be perfect on the first try, I think.

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Chapter 10

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Oh, I'm newly calibrated
All shiny and clean
I'm your recent adaptation
Time to redefine me

Let the word out, I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now
Break the news out, I've got to get out
Oh, I'm feeling better now

“Better Now”, Collective Soul

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Tim sat in his lab right on schedule Monday morning. The whole tight schedule wasn’t really anything new to him- he’d been juggling time for months now, with school and work. But having everything written out and his downtime all scheduled was different. He kind of liked it, though. He’d always been happier when there was a routine.

“Hey, look who’s back,” Kiara said as she and Jack came into the lab. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better, thanks,” he said. He didn’t know how much everyone knew, but better covered most things.

“Good,” Jack said, sitting down across from him. “You look better.”

“Definitely,” Kiara said. Her beeper went off and she sighed. “Gotta love being first call in the morning,” she said, glancing at it. “Gotta go find Scotty. See you guys later,” she said, leaving the lab.

“See you,” Jack said.

Tim nodded and started to turn back to the report he was reading. But something in Jack’s face made him stop and look up at the other man. “What?” he asked, curiously.

Jack’s face twisted into a weird expression. “This is probably not my place…oh, hell with it,” he said, seeming to come to a decision. Tim watched with raised eyebrows as Jack shoved his shirt sleeve up to his elbow and thrust his forearm across the table. There was a thin scar running up the underside of his arm, somewhat faded, but still clear. “I did that,” Jack said, quietly, “when I was 19.”

Tim blinked at him, not at all sure what to say. Jack nodded, then continued.

“My sister found me. The doctors said it was a dissociative episode, which is psych speak for ‘out of his fucking mind’. I was in the hospital for six weeks, in the psych ward. And then I got out, and did the therapy and took the medications and all. And for about a year, everything was fine. So my doctor tried to lower my dosage to get me off the medication, and I crashed and burned. Didn’t quite wind up back in the hospital, but it was close. So I went back on the medication and everything was fine. Same thing happened a year later, but this time, my doctor decided it was probably better to just put me back on the meds and leave it that way. And that’s just what we did. That was, oh, four years ago, and I’ve been doing pretty well since. They’ll have to pry my meds from my cold dead hands before I’d be willing to give them up again. I don’t want to go through that again,” Jack said with a smile.

Tim looked at him with surprise. “How did you…”

“No one told me,” Jack said, quickly. “Horatio just said you weren’t feeling well and so he and Calleigh had traded days off so she could stay with you. It was an easy enough sell, given that you’d looked like hell last week. But, well, you seemed more unconnected than sick. And, well, when you’ve been there, it’s easier to see those sorts of things,” he explained.

“Oh,” Tim said.

“So, anyway, my point is, it gets better. Even if it means you fall down and have to pick yourself back up,” Jack continued. “It gets easier each time, probably because you can tell when things are getting bad, and then you can fix them quicker before they get really bad. Anyway, I know you’ve got a pretty damn good support system, but I kind of had the feeling that most of the people involved haven’t really been there. Not in any sort of serious way, anyway. And I know from experience that sometimes it’s easier to have someone in the mix who knows where you’re coming from. So I thought I’d speak up,” he said.

“Oh,” Tim said, again. He was somewhat at a loss for words. “I…no, thank you,” he said. “Thank you is what you say here,” he mumbled under his breath.

Jack laughed. “It’s ok. Depressed people aren’t generally the most polite people ever.”

“It’s just that I forget what I’m supposed to say,” Tim said, shaking his head.

“It’s ok. I know how it is,” Jack said. He pulled a card out of his back pocket and picked up a pen and scrawled something on the back. “Here. I know you’ve got my cell number, but that’s my home number, too. You can call anytime,” he said, sliding the card across the table.

“Thank you,” Tim said, more surely this time.

“You’re welcome,” Jack said, with a smile. “I’m glad you’re getting back on your feet.”

“Me too,” Tim said, nodding.

“Anyway, I got stuff to look over from DNA,” he said. “I’ll let you get back to work. See you later,” Jack said, as he stood up to walk out of the lab. “Hey, Calleigh,” he said, holding the door for her before he left.

“Hi, Jack,” she called after him. “What was that? You two looked really serious in here,” she said to Tim.

“We were talking about last week. Well, sort of,” he said, frowning. “He was talking. I was listening, I guess.”

“I didn’t tell anyone, Horatio just said you were sick,” she said, quickly.

“No, no, I know. He said. He figured it out, because, well,” he said, with a shrug, not wanting to share what Jack had said about himself.

Calleigh caught the inference and nodded. “Ah.”

“Yeah,” he said. “So, anyway. We were talking.”

“Well, good,” she said. “At any rate, I just thought I’d pop in and see what you thought of the little agenda item I added to your schedule this evening.” She grinned at him,

He smiled back. “I think that could be arranged, yes.”

“Good,” she said. “Well, if I’m going to have a date tonight with a cute guy and a beach, I’d best be getting back to work.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “See you later, sweetheart.”

“See you,” he said, grinning at her. He watched her leave the room, feeling lighter than he’d felt in days. Getting back up is definitely more fun than falling down, he thought, even if it is a whole lot more work. But the work was turning out to be well worth it, in his eyes. He turned back to the report, still smiling slightly.

End