Ruminating
Aug. 19th, 2012 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miss_lucy21I've been chewing on a lot of thinking about gender and femininity and gender expression for the past while. It was definitely sparked by some really awesome gender-swap SG-1 fic by synecdochic and ivorygates that I stumbled upon last summer. And it was furthered by reading a lot of discussions on feminist, Size Acceptance and queer-identified blogs. Basically, I've spent a good chunk of the last year learning about intersectionality. So, I'm pretty well just thinking out loud here, because my brain is all revved up with this and how it applies to me and who I am. Which sounds insanely pretentious of me, but I figure at least I'm spewing on about it in my space and not someone else's comment section, right?
So, me. I say this sounds really pretentious of me, because hell, I'm a white girl who mostly grew up in suburbia. In so much as I've had relationships (not many), they've been with men. My gender identity matches my physical body. So, why the hell am I even thinking about this? I..don't actually know.
I think part of it is realizing that while I've never really fit into the mainstream, the mainstream seems to be getting way more divisive than it was when I was younger and not quite fitting in. It sounds horribly cliche, but the intense sexualization of both men and women was not something I ever noticed as a kid or a teenager. Heck, I barely noticed it in my early 20s. But it seems so much more blatantly obvious now than it did 10 years ago. Maybe it's because I was always playing a different game than everyone else. Maybe it's the growing number of different voices that I'm now noticing. I may have been playing around in fandom since I was 16, but it's only in the last couple of years that I'm really starting to interact with other people (I'm horrifically shy. It's not any easier for me to talk with people I don't know online as it is in real life).
Anyway, I'm a girl, I'm undeniably female, but I'm not stereotypically feminine. For a good example, here's what I wore today. Army green cargo capri pants, blue v-neck tshirt, and the most beat up pair of Chaco sandals ever. Tomorrow, it'll probably be pretty close to the same outfit. Different shirt, probably the same pants, or my denim capris.
But...I'd hesitate to call my style "butch". I do wear skirts and dresses- I like them, actually. My t-shirts are fitted, because I'm obsessive about fit. I'm fat, and shapeless shirts make me look sloppy and while there is an extent to which I do not care what people think of my clothes, I'd prefer to not perpetuate the mistaken notion in people's minds that fat people are lazy about their appearance. Which is a bit odd, because, well, I kind of am lazy, by a lot of people's standards. I don't wear makeup unless it's a special occasion or I'm trying to look professional (i.e., at work). That's less because I have a problem with makeup and more because it's hard to find makeup that doesn't irritate my super sensitive skin. And, even when I am wearing makeup, I'm wearing a lot less than a lot of women do. Foundation, a bit of eyeshadow and maybe some tinted chapstick or a lipstain. That's it. I don't style my hair, unless you count putting it up in a ponytail/bun "styling". I can't remember the last time I did my nails, because I hate dealing with chipped polish. I keep my nails super short anyway, because I hate the way it feels to type with longer nails. It's one of the many sensitivities that my style is designed to accommodate. In my mind, I'm not really lazy, I'm just focused on being comfortable. And to me, being comfortable means not aggravating my skin more than really necessary (i.e., very little makeup, no scented products of any kind if I can avoid them), wearing clothing that I can move in comfortably (i.e., nothing too tight, nothing shorter than my knees, nothing I have to pull on or adjust all day) and wearing shoes that don't hurt my feet (i.e, mostly casual shoes, no heels. Well, I own one pair, but I don't wear them often and they're actually fairly comfortable if I'm not walking long distances).
I'm not trying to not look like a woman. It'd be really difficult, given that I am all curves and soft roundedness. I'm not very well endowed in the breast department, but I clearly have a bosom. I have what I affectionately call "Eastern European Peasant Woman Hips". Even when my hair is short (which is how I prefer it. It's long right now because of economics, not preference), I'm very obviously female. I haven't been mistaken for a boy since I was about 12. I just don't quite conform to the basic feminine standards as espoused by, oh, the entire media. Not in all ways. Like I said, I wear skirts. I sometimes wear makeup. I shave my legs and underarms because I like the way the smooth skin feels (although, I walk around with stubble more often than not, more because my skin freaks if I shave as often as I'd have to in order to keep things at an "acceptable" level of hairless).
Now, of course, I don't conform to most standards just because I have the body I have. I "carry my weight well", but I'm pretty undeniably fat. There's not a whole lot I could possibly wear or do to my appearance that's going to make me look significantly smaller. I gave up on wearing control top pantyhose or girdles a long time ago (the way my weight is distributed, it's kind of pointless. I may smooth out part of my rolls, but it just makes the rest of them larger. Plus, then I'm uncomfortable and it can be hard to breathe, so, no). I'm also not that tall and I'm incredibly disproportionate. I have an extremely short torso and very long legs. So, most of the current styles, even if they did come in sizes that fit me (about 20-22-24ish. Depends on the brand and the clothes) don't really work on me. Maxi dresses look kind of silly on me. High waisted pants would come up to my bust. Pencil skirts and button down shirts just do not look good on me. And belted shirts/cardigans, etc, have similar problems as the high waisted pants. And don't get me started on the fact that it seems like anyone who designs for plus sized women seems to thing that 1) we're all 6 feet tall, 2) we're all super bosomy and 3) we all like animal print. Um, no. Not so much.
I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. Probably nowhere. But it was bouncing around in my brain and I wanted it to go somewhere else, so here it is.
synecdochic and ivorygates that I stumbled upon last summer. And it was furthered by reading a lot of discussions on feminist, Size Acceptance and queer-identified blogs. Basically, I've spent a good chunk of the last year learning about intersectionality. So, I'm pretty well just thinking out loud here, because my brain is all revved up with this and how it applies to me and who I am. Which sounds insanely pretentious of me, but I figure at least I'm spewing on about it in my space and not someone else's comment section, right? So, me. I say this sounds really pretentious of me, because hell, I'm a white girl who mostly grew up in suburbia. In so much as I've had relationships (not many), they've been with men. My gender identity matches my physical body. So, why the hell am I even thinking about this? I..don't actually know.
I think part of it is realizing that while I've never really fit into the mainstream, the mainstream seems to be getting way more divisive than it was when I was younger and not quite fitting in. It sounds horribly cliche, but the intense sexualization of both men and women was not something I ever noticed as a kid or a teenager. Heck, I barely noticed it in my early 20s. But it seems so much more blatantly obvious now than it did 10 years ago. Maybe it's because I was always playing a different game than everyone else. Maybe it's the growing number of different voices that I'm now noticing. I may have been playing around in fandom since I was 16, but it's only in the last couple of years that I'm really starting to interact with other people (I'm horrifically shy. It's not any easier for me to talk with people I don't know online as it is in real life).
Anyway, I'm a girl, I'm undeniably female, but I'm not stereotypically feminine. For a good example, here's what I wore today. Army green cargo capri pants, blue v-neck tshirt, and the most beat up pair of Chaco sandals ever. Tomorrow, it'll probably be pretty close to the same outfit. Different shirt, probably the same pants, or my denim capris.
But...I'd hesitate to call my style "butch". I do wear skirts and dresses- I like them, actually. My t-shirts are fitted, because I'm obsessive about fit. I'm fat, and shapeless shirts make me look sloppy and while there is an extent to which I do not care what people think of my clothes, I'd prefer to not perpetuate the mistaken notion in people's minds that fat people are lazy about their appearance. Which is a bit odd, because, well, I kind of am lazy, by a lot of people's standards. I don't wear makeup unless it's a special occasion or I'm trying to look professional (i.e., at work). That's less because I have a problem with makeup and more because it's hard to find makeup that doesn't irritate my super sensitive skin. And, even when I am wearing makeup, I'm wearing a lot less than a lot of women do. Foundation, a bit of eyeshadow and maybe some tinted chapstick or a lipstain. That's it. I don't style my hair, unless you count putting it up in a ponytail/bun "styling". I can't remember the last time I did my nails, because I hate dealing with chipped polish. I keep my nails super short anyway, because I hate the way it feels to type with longer nails. It's one of the many sensitivities that my style is designed to accommodate. In my mind, I'm not really lazy, I'm just focused on being comfortable. And to me, being comfortable means not aggravating my skin more than really necessary (i.e., very little makeup, no scented products of any kind if I can avoid them), wearing clothing that I can move in comfortably (i.e., nothing too tight, nothing shorter than my knees, nothing I have to pull on or adjust all day) and wearing shoes that don't hurt my feet (i.e, mostly casual shoes, no heels. Well, I own one pair, but I don't wear them often and they're actually fairly comfortable if I'm not walking long distances).
I'm not trying to not look like a woman. It'd be really difficult, given that I am all curves and soft roundedness. I'm not very well endowed in the breast department, but I clearly have a bosom. I have what I affectionately call "Eastern European Peasant Woman Hips". Even when my hair is short (which is how I prefer it. It's long right now because of economics, not preference), I'm very obviously female. I haven't been mistaken for a boy since I was about 12. I just don't quite conform to the basic feminine standards as espoused by, oh, the entire media. Not in all ways. Like I said, I wear skirts. I sometimes wear makeup. I shave my legs and underarms because I like the way the smooth skin feels (although, I walk around with stubble more often than not, more because my skin freaks if I shave as often as I'd have to in order to keep things at an "acceptable" level of hairless).
Now, of course, I don't conform to most standards just because I have the body I have. I "carry my weight well", but I'm pretty undeniably fat. There's not a whole lot I could possibly wear or do to my appearance that's going to make me look significantly smaller. I gave up on wearing control top pantyhose or girdles a long time ago (the way my weight is distributed, it's kind of pointless. I may smooth out part of my rolls, but it just makes the rest of them larger. Plus, then I'm uncomfortable and it can be hard to breathe, so, no). I'm also not that tall and I'm incredibly disproportionate. I have an extremely short torso and very long legs. So, most of the current styles, even if they did come in sizes that fit me (about 20-22-24ish. Depends on the brand and the clothes) don't really work on me. Maxi dresses look kind of silly on me. High waisted pants would come up to my bust. Pencil skirts and button down shirts just do not look good on me. And belted shirts/cardigans, etc, have similar problems as the high waisted pants. And don't get me started on the fact that it seems like anyone who designs for plus sized women seems to thing that 1) we're all 6 feet tall, 2) we're all super bosomy and 3) we all like animal print. Um, no. Not so much.
I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. Probably nowhere. But it was bouncing around in my brain and I wanted it to go somewhere else, so here it is.